...confessions....of a loving man's bleeding heart
2003-03-25|| † ||4:09 p.m. (AM in Singapore)
I have not inscribed in here for a long time...but for good reason. I will begin by saying I have witnessed the horrors that lie within my very soul...in the depths of my spirit. We, as humans, we are born under the light and the dark...some of us are balanced differently....some are born more inclined to the dark while other more towards the light....and I believe I haven been ordained in the nine months I spent in my mother's womb with an insane amount of dark light...but light as well, for I am capable of loving and being loved beyond belief...I have been blessed with the most wonderful girl I could've ever met....and we are currently engaged as well. God placed us in each other's path as strangers...in a few years from now we'll be husband and wife hopefully.
I said I was ordained with a lot of dark light because I have been cursed with multiple personalities....even though they are not really "personalities". As the years have gone by I have studied myself...and comparing my discoveries with what little I have read on psychiatry and psychology, I have concluded that they are merely "extensions" of my mind...not my soul...and there seven of these...I have only one personality...if you have met me then you know me. It all depends on what mood I'm in what extension will be present...but it will still be one with my conscious mind...I can control these extensions and turn them on and off at will, surprisingly enough...
..but I met one whom I wasn't able to control....the seventh "face" as I like to call it. Each face has a name, has a purpose...and out the seven the one that has truly scared me the most was the last one...for I was not conscious even though it lasted only a few seconds...she was feeling very depressed and was talking about doing something to herself with a pair scissors...and that's when I blacked out...the next thing I know, I'm hearing my fiancee scared beyond belief...a fear so terrible she wanted me to go away from her...She kept telling me to get away. This where the face must gotten worried because I gained my mind back right there in that very moment...
....and it's not fucking fair because this face comes in and does the harm and then bails out and all the shit falls on me....bastard. I have felt his presence before when I was very young....he was in my nightmares...and has not come out every since. He haunted me because of the grief my father used to cause me...he kept telling me to fight. For my feelings. I guess he was doing the same thing because I was very hurt when she said that thing about the scissors...but what I don't understand is why he had to do it HIMSELF....why not just tell me what to say in "our" mind and let me do the talking, non-harmfully?
...as I type this, I am invoking each and every one of me...all seven of them....my finacee should be asleep now...and I am taking this time to exorcise my demons...face them and fight those who mean negativity...destroy them. Cease them to be. No twisted personality will be stronger than me. Hell fucking no. The ones that do not mean harm I shall put them to sleep...I don't want my fiancee to marry me knowing there's 6 other people inside me when she says 'I do'....*sigh* This really disturbs me....because I fear losing her...
....I have worked very hard for all I have....my life hasn't been easy (then again for anyone it really isn't, is it?) and I've had many oportunities to end it...but I've kept on...knowing there is reason for all the pain, all the grief, all the shit..."there light at the of the tunnel" I said always...and I found it. I am not going to let something like this burn it down. I love Jane with all my heart, body and soul....I will never give up on her; our relationship; our promise to one another...for it is what I hold the dearest in my heart.
You, the reader...if you haven't indeed met me you must be saying I'm a fucking nut or that I am a seriously disturbed human being. I'm neither, I will start by saying. Just that my mind is very sharp and has been tortured since it was very young and unknowing...I mean no harm to anyone....madness is often mistaken for intelligence, believe it or not...and madness is the gift that has been given to me....I shall make the most of it as I can.....
This is Vlad...saying "thank you for reading whoever you are". I hope whoever reads gets the meaning of these words....don't read between the lines...read THE lines.
Until then...†