Three way road
March 7th 2005|| † ||23:35
Last week....this week...has been enough to make me rethink myself. My life. My soul. My future. A rather 'hostile' conversation between me and my Cat ensued. Things were said to me raw and in my face; some of them very difficult to swallow. Others I didn't like one bit. But one things is certain...
...and that is that I came to a conclusion. I am faced with a road. It splits in three. To the left, lies the path to my girl. To the right, the path were my drams lie...everything I've wanted to do since I was a kid. the third lane....lies behind me.
It's a VERY dark road...filled insecurities, self-doubt and inhibitions. Ruled by a dark entity that calls itself "Fear Of Failure". A road that I've tread though for a long time..too long. And it's costing me my relationship. I will not let that happen.
After realizing every problem I have and every shit that happens to me is caused solely by *me*; by my self-doubt. I've been afraid to fail. But what's the worst that can happen if i do? That I can try again?
...exactly! Nothing bad about that...and that's what I don't understand. Or at least didn't. And I don't think I ever will. that's fine...I know now what to do. After coming face to face with the demon, the most important thing came to me: the real consequence isn't my failure. It's the consequence of my lack of action.
"You don't give yourself a chance." Those were some of her words of me last night. I found that to be true. I used to force myself into doing certain things because I needed them only, but because I felt interest in actually doing them. Now...I stop and think. Analyze before I even opinionate. Or even begin to think negatively. I look at the benefit first. THEN the consequence. My biggest fear was failing my studies. After going last week to get a new appointment to get my high school tests, I was given my result for the one I failed: math.
400 out of 410. 10 POINTS!!! Only 10 fucking points!!! Everything else was 510'....520's...in the other classes: Social Studies, Science, English, Spanish. It only helped me realize how simple this all really is. I was so self-conscious, so scared that day I took the tests....it was last summer. I have nothing to fear now. I know now that once this is over, my fear of failure will be greatly weakened....
...and nothing will be able to stop me. I will be able to carry on without this weight. Almost 10 years since the time I was thrown away from school...and I still haven't gotten this over with. It's pathetic. The time drwas near....and I can't wait. To be free from this burden once and for all....to be free to go wherever I want, with who I want. That who is Jane. Probably I sound full of shit....but I feel stronger than ever. Like a new me has been born out of the ashes of depression and uncertainty.
Honey, I'm so sorry I've made you wait for so long....I feel like I should give you apologies until we grow old. And I feel like I owe myself an apology too, for all the years I've denied myself the opportunity to find myself and overcome my own odds. I won't be making you wait for nothing anymore, jane...even if it's not the first time you've heard it.....this is the last...even if you do not believe me....which I hope you do....*sigh*
I love you more than words can say....and I will do all it takes to get to you. That is my vow to you. I won't take shit anymore. I'm a new guy. And I'm here to stay.